I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior at the age of 27. Some things changed fairly quickly, some exterior behaviors like smoking, and drinking on a daily basis. In my mind I had my “get out of jail free” card. Things on the inside where still the same. Oh, I had a great look on the outside: going to church, men’s bible study, and that sort of thing. I had a Godly form on the outside but was clearly in denial of Him on the inside. So most Sundays sitting in the Pew, I felt alone.
If God truly knew me, (sexual and porn addictions, foul language, selfishness & lying) he would turn his back on me right? So I continue sitting in the pew feeling alone and mad as hell at God! If God truly loved me why hadn’t he changed or healed me?
Here we are 22 years later, and for the first time in my life I have allowed God access to all areas of my heart, mind, and soul. God has since provided me healing from my addictions. It has taken a lot of work on my part, don’t misunderstand, but the healing came entirely from Him. I have been 15 months clean of viewing porn and seeking sex outside of my marriage.
God has also laid on my heart that I need to be much more aware of the words that come out of my mouth. I need to examine all my relationships, and end those that are not safe for me. God will never force Himself on me, or anyone for that matter. When I wouldn’t allow Him full access into my life, how was He supposed to heal me? The answer is simple: He was waiting on me to acknowledge my sins, addictions and bad behavior to Him. I truly owed God amends for my transgression towards him!
I no longer sit in the pew feeling alone these days. God has great things in store for Christien and I. God has shown me my calling, which is to reach out to other men who suffer from sexual and porn addictions. I offer up that If you are in need of healing, that you would seek out God, accountability partners and find a Celebrate Recovery near you! If you need someone to talk to who has come out on the other side of these addictions, please feel free hit me up!